It Never Stops Hurting

Every time.  It's going to hurt.  Might as well get used to it.  Doesn't matter if you see it coming - it's going to hurt.  The pain comes out from your gut and chest and takes over your body
until the tears are released and the screams begin.  The knowledge that once again, you were lacking.  Doesn't matter that he was lacking also - the failure and the death of dreams - it's going to hurt every time.

I've been on this planet 50 years.  I've experienced the breakup of a 29 year relationship, and several shorter term ones since then.  It still hurts.  Even when you try to protect yourself by not opening up all the way - the pain is intense.  It's a soul deep hurt that leaves no room for anything else.  Why did I fail again?  Why couldn't we work together?  I thought we were friends.

This time it's a relationship that only lasted about 5 months.  And of those 5 months, I only saw him maybe a dozen times.  He started out available.  Quickly he wasn't, but he kept saying he wanted me by his side and when times got better we would be together more.  He liked to talk on the phone several times a day and texted another several times.   Times got better. He went to California and did all the things we talked about doing together - only he did them alone.  He texted every few days and said he would call....but of course he didn't.  He didn't answer my calls or my texts.  The few times we did communicate he was cranky and tired and constantly complaining.  He kept saying he was going to pay off my bills so I wouldn't have to worry about money, but he never did it.  I finally told him not to do it because it was just too much trouble.  And I found myself frustrated because once again he didn't do what he said he was going to do.  The money was not the issue.

He sent me a text, dangled a carrot out there about a condo we looked at.  It really got under my skin.  I mean, what was the point?  Was that supposed to make a difference to me if he got the condo?  I didn't care about what he could buy me - I told him the relationship was what was important to me.  He never understood.  Of course, he never bought me anything either - lol!  Just words.

Too many words - no action.   Lies - no action.  He'll be making a whole lot of money pretty soon, and he already has a lot.  He won't have any problem finding women who will be happy to be arm candy and then go on their way when not needed.

So why the hell do I miss him?  I don't know.  It really doesn't make sense.  Time will fix it.

The death of dreams will always hurt - and it should.